NO, this is not about your Ex-wife.

The guilty hungry, hungry hippo above

A South African farmer was reportedly mauled to death on Sunday by his pet hippo, which he had previously referred to as “like a son to me.”

Now there is a line I never expected I would have to read.

Marius Els, who lived in the Free State province of South Africa was found dead in a river, having been bitten repeatedly by the animal.

Els, 40, had adopted the hippo, whom he had named “Humphrey,” when it was found as a calf. Earlier this year footage of Els riding the more than 2,000-pound beast went viral. Note to self: Hippos have no sense of loyalty.

The South African said that “Humphrey” had responded to his calls, enjoyed playing with him, and that he would even brush the hippo’s teeth. Just like a disney movie.

“It’s a little bit dangerous, but I trust him with my heart that he will not harm anybody,” Els said, according to Daily Mirror. “I can swim with him. I go in the water. He allows me to get on his back, and I ride him like a horse. He swims with me.” Second Note to Self: Don’t trust a SA man’s judgement of character.

He added: “He’s like a son to me.”

A really bad son from Detroit who would steal his dying Mother’s pain pills and pimp out his sister while cashing his dead granny’s social security check.

“There’s a relationship between me and Humphrey and that’s what some people don’t understand,” Els reportedly said. “They think you can only have a relationship with dogs, cats and domestic animals. But I have a relationship with the most dangerous animal in Africa.” He said with a completely lack or irony

He died doing what he loved.

Type F in the comment to pay respects to Hippo guy. Damn you 2020!!!! Why do you always have to take the best of us?


  1. The world is what’s weird. Shawn is just reporting it as he sees it.

    Any idjit that decides to play anthropomorphic games with animals that haven’t undergone the generations of culling it takes to be domesticated is in for a surprise. Not to mention, even domesticated animals are still exceedingly dangerous, even the ones who’ve passed that line from “unwitting victim” to “willing co-conspirator”. A dog can really mess up your day, under the right “wrong” conditions, and domestic cattle kill more people every goddamn year than sharks do. That “moo cow” in the pasture would just as soon trample your ass as let you milk it, and most of them have figured out we ain’t keeping them around for the decorative effect they have out on the grazing lands.

    There’s a term for people who try to make pets out of hippos: Dead idiot.

    Good God, but the fact that the hippo kills more people in Africa than about anything else ought to be a clue to even the congenitally stupid that they’re not suitable for making friends with. Statistically, if you’re going to die in Africa from a wild animal attack, it won’t be the lions, hyenas or other carnivores; it’s gonna be the hippos or Cape Buffalo.

    This is one reason why I tend to agree with an African-American friend of mine, when he said that Africa was the reason most blacks in America don’t do the stupid shit the white folk get up to: All the blacks who’d do things like try to make playmates out of hippos were killed off a few hundred thousand years ago, and have been continually culled from the population ever since. Only the white man, with his greater ability to organize his more benign environment, has been able to allow suchlike idiocy to propagate and not get bred the f**k out of the population. Africa don’t play that shit–You’ll note the utter lack of domesticable animals on that continent. I think everything that’s domesticated in Africa came from Eurasia, unless I’ve forgotten something.


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