Surfing For Dolphins


There was a guy in one of my units who looked like the Toxic Avenger. So he was called “Toxic”.

I’ve never seen any of the Toxic Avenger movies, but I’ve googled pics of the character.

I dunno, but calling this guy “Toxic” might be an undue insult to the Toxic Avenger.

Imagine Lennie, but dumber.

One evening Toxic is at the bar, and he is hitting on a women. As opposed to hitting a woman, a marine corps passtime. He tells her he is a marine. Her response. . .

Aren’t Marines suppose to be, like, fit or something?

Tangential story:

When I got to the duty station I spent most of my enlistment at, there were all manner of propaganda posters with various instructions and guides like, “Don’t beat your wife.”

At some point while I was there, someone, scanned those posters, and edited them to have different text.

I remember one had a red outline of a hand. The new text read, “Beat your wife to show her who’s right.”

Mind you, I was probably the only person who actually looked at these posters, so I found them rather funny.

Absolutely hilarious.

They were up for about six months or so before someone else finally realized what they were and then they were all torn down.

More Tangential-er comment:

For some reason, unknown to me, now when I tell this story people seem to assume that I was the one to have made the edited posters. Atlas, I lack the muse and spark of divine inspiration to think up such a deed. I also don’t know how to use photoshop.

It wasn’t me.

One time Toxic got in trouble for shitting out a third story window.

I’ve told people that there should be a cable T.V. show where a camera crew follows this guy around.

The problem would be that no one would believe it is real. People would just assume that there was a team of writers coming up with all the stupid antics. They wouldn’t believe it.

Toxic got kicked out. While there were many good reasons he should have been kicked out, the reason he did get kicked out was complete bullshit, in my opinion. But that is a story for a different time.

There was this 7 day field op we would do where we would get little rest and had a high ops-tempo. After one of these field ops, a few of us were in the barracks room with Toxic’s roommate talking about something or another. One of the guys complained that he didn’t even get the chance to change his skivvy shorts the entire field op. Somehow the discussion lead to this pair of skivvies getting stuffed in Toxic’s pillow case.

We joke about how nasty that is, how long it will take Toxic to figure it out, and I think I might have threatened to kill anyone if they did that to me, etc.

Not my skivvies, not my idea, as I said, I lack the Machiavellian instinct. But I was complicit in this event.

A period of time passes. I believe it was about six months, but I may well be wrong on that.

Suddenly, with no prompting I can I recall, I remember.

I remind the others.

We are laughing our asses off. We go find Toxic. Someone asks if he washed his linens. He says yes. Someone askes how often. He says every week. I asked if he washes his pillow case. He says every time.

This gaggle-fuck goes to his room. In front of everyone, I, as gingerly as I can, grab the corner of the pillow and shake it hard.

The skivvy shorts fall out.

We made so much fun of Toxic, over that. That nasty fucker didn’t even seem that bothered by it.

In hindsight, “Are we the Baddies?”

No, if you know Toxic, you’d feel this was justified.

I was writing this whole thing to set up for the story of how we tricked Toxic into eating shit. But I’ll save that for another day.

This shit tastes like shit


That is cause it is shit!

the rest of us

Around the time I was getting out, someone I knew was in contact with Toxic. I got to talk to him briefly on the phone. I asked how he was doing, he said alright. He was working installing fire suppression system. He was back in the greatest state of the union, Florida.

As I talked to him, I managed to coax a little of the truth out. He told me he got caught drinking and driving, so he was not allowed to drive any more.

I facetiously reply, “All it means is that you can’t get caught driving with out a license.”

Well. . I got caught.

he replied in an oddly jovial confession

He was waiting on a court day or something. I wonder if he is in jail or not.

For shits and giggles, I just did a google search of his name. I found his mugshot. He has spent a while in jail.

Criminal Mischief, property damage, resisting arrest w/ violence, burglary assault, bunch of burglary charges, selling stolen goods, false & misleading statements.

Guess we won’t be getting that T.V. show.

Or would this mean his show has more street cred?

No, I’m not a hero, but I have served in the company of heroes.



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