Jonathan Hernandez

Jonathan Hernandez, the promising young lad.

Are you ready for it?

A thief’s burglary attempt backfired when the window of the Florida home he was trying to climb through abruptly crashed down on his neck, killing him, police said. In Florida, window breaks you.

The freak incident unfolded Saturday when the convicted felon with facial tattoos and piercings, 32-year-old Jonathan Hernandez, attempted to break into a residence in Lehigh Acres, the Lee County Sheriff’s Office said.

“When Hernandez was trying to work his way through the window, it unexpectedly closed on top of him, pinning him and keeping him suspended in the air,” Lt. Russell Park, a spokesman for the sheriff’s office, said Monday. HAW!

Hernandez was dead by the time deputies arrived, according to Park. Shame.

The would-be crook was “no stranger to law enforcement,” said Park, who explained that Hernandez was busted in 2014 “for his involvement in a murder case.”

Local jail records show that Hernandez, also known as Jonathan Hernandez-Zuluaga, had multiple prior arrests on his record including for marijuana possession, grand theft and probation violations, the News-Press reported.Fake news, he was a saint.

Meanwhile, Hernandez’s loved ones were convinced that police were not providing the full story.

my baby dindu nuffin!”

“Soon as I got there I’m like, there’s no way. This isn’t what happened,” Hernandez’s fiancée, Patricia Duarte, told NBC2 News. The world famous forensic detective that she is.

“I just need something to be done the right way. I need a proper investigation,” Duarte said. “I need the actual truth to come to light.” Good luck with that.

Tyson Lane defended Hernandez, saying, “He is not a burglar. He’s not a thief. He’s not a bad guy.”

Was”not a bad guy I think you mean, Tyson.

“That’s not what he is. If he had a roof over his head and you didn’t, he would give you a roof over your head, bring you in his household,” Lane told the news outlet. “That’s something that he did for a lot of people, including myself.”

“He was the kind of guy that would take the shirt off some one else’s back to give to you!”

What a loss to mankind. Cancer will never be cured now.


  1. I love your commentary, and I can’t stop laughing because of it. You’re saying what we think out loud, but funnier!
    This promising lad will surely be missed, eh? She’ll probably have lawyers lined up to take the lawsuit against the homeowner, to take the homeowner or window manufacturer to the cleaners.

  2. I wonder,did the homeowner just slam said window down on his neck?I am not having a problem with that,would just make for a more entertaining story.

  3. I can guarantee you that this face-tatted mystery meat vibrant POC (piece of crap, LOL) degenerate was getting more pussy than anyone here can possibly imagine. White pussy, too. Who do you think you can thank for that? Must be all those ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, “white” men who own and control the media (and thus by extension the minds and perceptions of reality of the majority of the lemming populace).


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