Surfing for Dolphins


I’m Bond, James Bond.

While I was in Iraq, there was a period of time when there was a concern that the locals were making false accusations about the Marines. Since we all wore nametapes, it would be easy for a local to read our name, then make a report like, “Howard raped my goat and killed my daughter.” Then we (as a country) would offer reparations of $20 USD. Etc.

Anyways, we were ordered to tape over our name tapes and give a fake name when asked.

I’m Bond, James Bond.

LCpl. Idiot

“Hey Idiot, the Iraqis know who James Bond is.” -Me.

One of the other guys in my squad told people he was Solid Snake. At least that is a little more obscure.

My team leader, when a kid would ask his name, would punch them and tell them the name of our battalion commander.

We had a Motor-T guy attached to our platoon to work as a driver, so we use him as a rifleman. We shall call him Tyler Slapnuts from this point forwards. One time I’m BSing with him and I ask him where he it from. Wisconson. I ask him about Wisconson, he gives this half assed response about cheese curds and duck boats.

Hi, I’m Tyler Slapnuts! I’m from Wisconson, and I like cheese curds and duck boats.

What I told ever kid that asked me my name from that point on.

It was not uncommon for Tyler to be behind me in the patrol formation, so he would hear me cheerly recite that line to kids.

Hi, I’m Howard, I’m from Florida and I’m an ASSHOLE!

Slapnuts telling same kid his name after I told them my name.



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