Posted by Colonel Panic on AR15.com. Used with permission.
For too long our children have been exposed to a looming threat, one which is also completely preventable in our modern world. I speak of course of these so-called magazines with a high-capacity to do harm to our youth. I therefore call for a reasonable ban and limitation on these despicable and a majority says useless, items.
Magazines have evolved a lot over the last 250 years. There are some now with 30, 50, even 100 pages of glossy advertisements, harming and tantalizing our youth. I propose limiting these periodicals to 10 pages so that writers will have to be considerably more precise if they wish to carry out mass-publications in the future. Think about how much harder it will be to break laws like libel when writers are forced to pause to properly reload their thoughts.
But you may also be thinking “But if we limit the number of pages, won’t the bad guys just buy more magazines?”. What an intelligent question! Of course we have thought of that and will be limiting citizens to owning 2 magazines. You can only read one at a time anyways, right? So who could possibly need more? And the best part is you are completely free to choose whichever two magazines you wish to own, as long as they are on the approved list below.
“Isn’t our freedom of speech protected in the Constitution?” you may ask, a rather reasonable question. Yes, but you can also agree that our Founding Fathers could not possibly have envisioned color photographs, printing press capacities of thousands of copies a minute or even the frightening aspects associated with digital media. Think of it more as a reasonable limit for the public good instead of a restriction on your rights. Remember, it is for the children.
As any respectable psychologist will tell you, the psyche of a developing child is very fragile. These magazines of today are nothing short of assault, rifle through the pages; I dare you, looking at beautiful faces and perfect bodies and try not to feel threatened. Hundreds, if not thousands, of suicides a year could be prevented by limiting society’s exposure to these self-esteem murdering periodicals. If it saves even one precious life, it will be well worth slightly limiting everybody’s freedom.
“This sounds like an expensive proposition!” one may think. Don’t worry, this too is planned for. There will be a small tax of $5 per magazine sold to go towards paying for the enforcement program. Dentist offices and Jiffy Lube waiting rooms around the country will be monitored by thousands of BATF agents from the newly created Bulletin And Tabloid Force. Private ownership will be carefully monitored through means of a registration program. Existing magazines will be charged a one-time tax of $200 or forfeited to the Government.
“What if I am the parent of a child who reads these magazines? Does that make me negligent?”. Of course not! The problem isn’t with you failing to teach your child what is right or wrong or the concept of personal accountability. Nor is it your fault that the school systems and society at large have failed to help your child through their self-esteem, behavioral and emotional issues, as these are new problems in the 21st century. The problem lies solely with the manufacturers of these weapons of mass distribution. Legislation, not better parenting or enforcement of existing laws, is the only way to solve this problem.
Newsweek (and any magazine even remotely resembling Newsweek)
(and 1288 more)
Guns & Ammo
(and 87 more)
How was this list created you may wonder? Easy, we picked magazines full of big words we didn’t understand and ones with scary features (like the black plastic covers on some of the pornographic magazines). Also, any magazine that we feel doesn’t serve a useful purpose in our modern age was forbidden. Who is “we”? Your elected officials, sworn to protect you at all costs.
Write your Congressman today in support of this proposition! Sign the 100,000 signature petition at WhiteHouse.gov to make your opinion known. Any bill with that level of majority support will clearly force Congress’s hand and make America safer for our future generations.
Once this passes, we plan to pass a law limiting clip sizes. Can you believe that YouTube allows up to one hour long videos of people doing dangerous activities that could possibly harm our children?!